The Illusion of Control: A Game We Play With Ourselves

This is my first foray into an entry in a blog.  As a therapist, I do not, as a matter of practice, discuss my life or myself.  However, as a member of this awesome group of women, I will attempt to make a relevant contribution. 

I have been thinking a lot recently about the idea of “control.”  What exactly does it mean to be “in control?”  Is it ever good to be “out of control?”  I do not have a concrete answer for these questions.  I think that for each person these definitions and answers will differ. 

What do we do when control is lost?

  I think that as women, mothers, women who work either inside or outside of the home (or some combination therein), we often go along in our lives blindly accepting that we are in control of things.  If we are just prepared enough, then we will be spared being knocked off course.  This, however, is a sense of omnipotent control that is false. 

Enter bad health diagnoses, job loss, death, financial hardship, betrayal, etc.  You can go from feeling like a very competent individual on top of their game to someone who is left scrambling.  This can feel very destabilizing and leave you wondering if there wasn’t even something else you could have done to ensure this would not have happened.  I see many people in my practice who beat themselves up over the past and wonder what they could have done differently.  Certainly self-reflection is important, but if you get stuck in the self-reflection, it can be detrimental to your ability to deal with the situation at hand and move forward. 

It is essential during these times that you have healthy coping strategies.  Coping strategies vary from person to person.  It is important, that in times of stress – especially when things are feeling out of control – that you allow yourself to take some time before responding to the stressor.  This can mean taking 5 minutes or a few days to contemplate different options of how to deal with the loss of control.  It is also important that you have a number of coping strategies to draw upon;  sometimes the feeling of losing control is related to the fact that your preferred coping strategy has been compromised. 

Coping strategies can come in many forms.  For some people, coping strategies involve turning more into the self – taking time out, reading, meditating, using some mindfulness skills.  Reminding yourself that this is just a moment in time and focusing on that can be very helpful in times of intense stress.  Focused breathing is also an important component of mindfulness.  Just being aware of your breathing can help to calm you.  A little experiment – if you have a heart rate monitor, put it on and pay attention to your heart rate for 2 minutes.  After two minutes, close your eyes and focus on your breathing.  Take deep, controlled breaths.  Do this for 2-4 minutes.  Look at your heart rate monitor.  You will be surprised how much your heart rate will decrease and how much “control” you actually have over your heart rate.

Other good coping strategies can be things that make you feel good such as reading, writing (i.e. journaling) and certainly exercise.  Pick exercise that you feel releases stress.  It could be yoga or pilates or an intense aerobics class, swimming, biking, hiking, walking or running.  Sometimes, it can be very centering to find an awesome view in your favorite spot and just be.

I also believe that the most important coping strategy is to have a good support system around you.  This can come in many forms as well.  For some people, it can be family, for others it is friends and for others it is a combination of the two.  Look for people who are supportive and do not cause further stress.  Cultivating a support system is important for the journey of life;  not just in times of crisis or feeling a loss of control.  I will talk more about the importance of the cultivation of a support system in my next blog post. 

It can also be difficult for people to ask for help and support.  Women are often expected to be incredibly independent and able to “handle” whatever life throws their way.  It is not shameful to ask for help when things are feeling “out of control.” 

I would also offer that it is in these times that we are given an opportunity to reevaluate what is important and what our priorities are.  I would challenge you the next time life hands you an external event that sidelines you, use that to be reflective, refocus and reprioritize.