Salute to the Graduates

I know I am getting old when many of my bootcamp friends are having children graduating from high school or college. Dr Bawa’s son Simran just graduated from dental school. Josh, Dr Sheri Hamersley’s son, and Liam, Dr Mary Marovich’s son, graduated from high schools. My Linh, Dr Mimi Nguyen’s daughter, graduated from college and will go to medical school in the Fall. Many of these students had famous speakers on their graduation day, such as President Clinton at Dr Simran Bawa’s graduation. All of my friends are so proud of their children as they have entered adulthood and some now will enter the “real” working world, the one where you no longer get your letter grades but your “pink slip” if you do not perform well.

I don’t know how many of you remember who spoke at your high school or college’s graduation? I do not remember any of them. My English was still “rusty” when I finished high school and the ceremony was, therefore, not as meaningful as I would have liked for it to have been. As a matter of fact, my high school no longer exists. It was closed down several years after I graduated and I don’t even know why. It was in a lower middle class section of Columbus , Ohio, and the students were a fairly even mixture of African Americans and Caucasians. I believe I was one of the only two Asians in my graduating class. The third one, Hollis, killed himself during our senior year.

As a mom and working woman, what would I offer to the graduates of our boot campers in term of “life lessons”? There are so many lessons, where should I begin?

For one, the world has gotten more complicated in the more than thirty years since I graduated from high school. There are more wars now, and the weapons are more sophisticated. Many of you, including my teenager Sandy, would argue that history has not changed, that war is a consistent factor in the human existence. I agree with you that war, inequality, and poverty will always coexist with us. Conflicts are part of human nature. But, as I have told Sandy numerous times, do not lose hope in the human’s race. You and your generation will soon be the leaders of the future world and you can make changes and improvement, no matter how small they might be. You have to learn to maintain hope, faith, and courage.

Have FAITH in your life! Well, many of you probably think I am urging you to join an organized religion or not to leave your current one. I am actually doing the opposite. In my world, FAITH is to believe in something “bigger” or “beyond” yourself, almost like a noble “calling” for you to do better, to do it “right”, whether or not that “something” or “someone” is watching over your actions. Faith is also to believe that most others around you are trying to do the right things. To do the “right” things only out of fear, shame or this false belief that someone is watching over you, usually will result in doing things wrong. We should do something right because we believe in goodness, kindness, fairness and justice, whether or not our righteous actions will result in some concrete rewards in our life. I like a saying sent by a friend:

“Going to church does not make you a Christian just as standing in a garage does not make you a car”

There is a difference between listening to the doctrine explained in the church and practicing it. As I often told my friends, listening to God’s words is not the same as carrying out God’s work.

I was a French Literature major in college and had the chance to study JP Sartre’s work. Sartre stated “L’enfer, c’est les autres” or “Hell is the others”. It seems to be a logical and realistic concept in the world we live in. You are defined by the others, hero or villain, royalty or commoner. When others consider you a “celebrity” you become a celebrity.

Look around you and see how society defines “important” or “influential” people. I was laughing the other week when I received Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People”. How did Time pick these “influential people”? Like me, did you ask yourself how Jay Z the rapper got on the list? By making $460 million from a humble beginning? Or by being married to Beyonce? Or by being good friend of the Obamas? But then how did it make him the most “influential” in “the world”? In WHOSE world? If you go to many parts of the world and ask people “Who’s Jay Z ?” you probably would get a puzzled look and some answers like:

“Jay Z? What is Jay Z? American alphabet out of order? Alphabet soup?”

On our deathbeds, I can reassure you, all these 100 most influential people will mean nothing to us. In “our” world, it will be our friends and families we will be thinking of. Jay Z , like you and me, will not be able to bring even a penny with him to the grave. If heaven was real as Dr Eban Alexander described, we all will be the same on “the other side” . Dr Alexander, by the way, was two years ahead of my husband at Duke Medical School and then both of them ended up in neuroscience programs at Harvard. Dr Alexander claimed ,from his brief “after life” experience, that all of us “over there” will be floating around leisurely and feeling the love around us. Just imagine, you will be floating right next to all the Presidents who no longer need Air Force 1 for transportation. You are your Air Force 1, how cool is that?

Do not let anybody or the media define how important you are based on your job, where you live, how much your “net” worth is. Just know that you are important! Have faith in yourself! You are an important piece of the vast puzzle of the world. A puzzle with a missing piece is an unfinished puzzle. You, like me, will not be considered the most important person in the world, but then nobody really is. It is important to learn to love yourself since you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. There is a fine line, however, between loving ourselves and loving ourselves too much that we become narcissistic, as many “influential” people in our society tend to be. It’s important to get this concept earlier in your adulthood :

“Nobody is so important that the world would stop turning once he’s gone”

I have always been amused by stories of Hollywood stars shoving away reporters who tried to take their pictures. They wanted to be famous and make millions off their names, but they also want their privacy. If it wasn’t for those stories, they would not be well known in the first place. To be a celebrity is to sell part of your personal freedom and privacy, a tragedy indeed.

On the other hand, the stories would not sell well if we all live our lives instead of watching someone else living their lives. ARE YOU LIVING YOUR LIVES?

Are you walking the earth, watching the sunset, having meals with your friends and families, or cooking a healthy dinner for yourself or your family? Or are you watching some strangers on TV — house hunting in Bali or London, or arguing with each other about something totally irrelevant to you? Why are you watching the Kardashians or the housewives of different cities? Why do you care if one of them just got divorced or had a baby? Why do you care if a courtship of some strangers was over or which woman the bachelor will end up choosing? How do these TV personalities make your life more meaningful? For all that time you are watching these reality TV shows, you are wasting all that time given to you to live your life, your limited life.

Live your life and believe in yourself. Remember those famous words from Mahatma Gandhi:

“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes”

HOPE is also vital for your future happiness and success. You are never too old to use the childhood story “The Engine that Could” as one of the biggest lessons in life. Determination is important, but it is only a part of hope and it begins with hope. In my opinion, this story shows how that little engine must have, deep down, held on to some hope that he could get to the end. By hoping, he was determined to get to his destination.

I was disturbed by the fact that the depression rate in your generation has risen, as much as the suicidal rate in my generation. Of course life is not always easy, but tomorrow will be different. As you face hardship, how do you know you are not at the peak of hardship, and the easy day will come tomorrow? Depression, as one of the motivational speakers once said, is a big lie. It makes you think you do not have a good reason to carry on with your life. It makes your perception of the future “fuzzy”, as if there is no hope for tomorrow. It makes you feel “unimportant” and irrelevant to others around you. In reality, every day is different and you have to remind yourself how opportunities will come if you keep looking for them and not giving up.

A few weeks ago, my son Sandy had his final piano recital for the year. He had been struggling with Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”, mostly because he had refused to practice it every day. He sped through this romantic song like a race car driver. I had no hope of him playing well for the audience, as he often did in the past.

At the recital, I did not even bother to pull out my cell phone to record Sandy when he played the song. I was upset and angry with him for not practicing diligently all year. His name usually was among the last on the list, as his piano teacher always wanted to show her star students last. This year again, Christine was the last on the list. She won the Maryland piano competition last year.

Sandy stood up as his name was called, calmly got to the stage, even remembered to bow before sitting down to play his song. He played much better than we had thought. His piano teacher looked pleased.

Christine came up to the stage and confidently sat down to play. Just two minutes into the song, she paused. A few more seconds pass before she looked helplessly at the audience with a little smile. She replayed a few notes then stalled, looking at the piano teacher and the audience. Uncomfortable silence. I could hear a baby cry in the back of the room and someone was trying to clear his throat. Christine attempted several more times but could not go for more than a few notes, even after the teacher gave her some hint twice. She then prematurely ended the song without looking at the audience.

I was stunned. I thought I should feel “triumph” for Sandy, but instead, I was mortified for Christine. I was more like a mom. I felt sad for her and her family. She must have been crushed and stunned like me.

You think you know, you never know…

About a week later, I politely went to the athletic sports award night at Sandy’s school. The boy’s tennis team was the last sport to be covered. After 1.5 hours, I put away my iPhone, thinking that the night was about to be over soon, not expecting for Sandy to win any award. After all, he was on the Junior Varsity, not even the more important and more elite Varsity team. He was the smallest player on his team, and the one who most often forgot his Sidwell Friends tennis uniform.

Suddenly, I thought I heard his name. I was so shocked I turned to the parent sitting next to me, who informed me that Sandy had just been awarded the 2013 “Coach’s Award” for his attitude and sportsmanship and how helpful he was to other players on the court during the season.

I was so shocked as I tried to quickly take the iPhone out of my bag and snap some pictures of Sandy walking across the stage. He did look like a Christmas tree in his green tee shirt and red shorts, but maybe like me, he didn’t expect to walk across that stage to accept an award!

You think you know, you never know…

COURAGE is a big concept for you since you have just begun your journey through adulthood. I have always felt sorry for people who fear of failing and do not try dreaming big. There is too much to lose, they often tell themselves. Don’t let your fear prevent you from living your life. Follow your dreams and, if you do not reach them all at the end, do not feel that you have wasted your time. You will get older anyway, even if you don’t follow your dreams. If you try, on the other hand, you might reach your dreams!

As Churchill once said:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts”

Have common sense, however, when it comes to courage since some failures can be “concretely” fatal. Know your limits and know that you are not immortal. Respect these limits the same way you respect the speed limit on the road. Wasn’t it sad to see the three storm chasers, one was only 24 years old, killed in last week’s Oklahoma tornado? “They died for their passion”, the wife of Tim Samaras , the oldest storm chaser who died, said in the news. There was a lot of truth in that statement, but at 24 years old? If you could ask that young man, would he say ” I would do it all over again, knowing I will die in this storm!”?

This morning on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” I heard an interview with the tightrope walker Mr Nik Wandella. When asked if his show of walking across the Grand Canyon will be live on June 22, he responded, without hesitation:

“It will be, at least at the beginning!” I bursted out laughing, appreciating his humor.

On the other hand, why would he want to risk his life? Wouldn’t it be more fun to see his children grow up? What would his children say if he falls off the rope? They will surely wish their father had had a more “boring” job so that he could be there with them, guiding them into adulthood. Live your passion, but live it responsibly.

Work hard, play hard, take a little from society but give a lot. At the end, those who give are those who get the most joy. Reach beyond your nest to lift someone out of his sorrow. You might be the next one who will need that lift.

My wish for you, our graduates, the future leaders and makers who are about to embark on a new journey: Be peaceful, be strong, be smart, be kind, and be very, very happy.

And remember, do not live under someone else’s shadow, LIVE YOUR LIFE!

As Dr Thu, a modern version of Dr Seuss, I would encourage you to put on a pair of purple running shoes, bring a pink water canteen and off you go on the roads that will take you to many amazing sites … Oh the Places that You Will Go… Respect the speed limits, however, so that you will be around for a long time to explore all the amazing places. If you do not limit yourself to all the iGadgets, you will see how amazing this world truly is!

Bon Voyage,

Thu Tran M.D.